Whether you are flying solo or in a relationship, there is immense value in self-dating. And by self-dating, I’m essentially talking about self-development.
That is, we are essentially working on achieving peace of mind, even if we think that is happiness, which tends to be a fleeting thing anyway, as well as truly feeling and emanating self-love. Since peace of mind is more achievable than happiness, it helps you feel contentment within yourself and in your relationship. What’s more, you can only do that by working on yourself because it’s not something that can be found in another.
Sure, a partner can add value to your peace of mind, help support you and give your life more fragrance, but ultimately we are the masters of our own mind and that’s where peace of mind is actually found. Although it’s an ongoing process, the more peaceful you are with yourself, the more peaceful your relationship will be.
The following are the key ingredients to self-dating:
Work on Your Inner World
Not having peace of mind, including casting blame for your own unhappiness towards others, has nothing to with external circumstances – it’s to do with yourself. So you need to be in a continual process of refining your self-development in terms of improving your thoughts, your words and your deeds. The main point of doing this is to feel better about yourself than what you used to, as well as accept yourself for who you are. To clarify, it’s not about achieving perfection, nor is it about blaming yourself. However, the more you improve your self-development, the more wisdom you have and the better choices you will inherently make. Given the nature of cause and effect, you can only make decisions based on the information and priorities you have at that time. If you want to have a different set of circumstances and/or path in life, then gather more information, learn from your mistakes and establish new priorities so that you make different choices. This also helps you to forgive your past and let go of any guilt that might have been associated with it. Remember, there’s no point in beating yourself up about it, you could only do what you did with the knowledge you had at that time.
Dissolve Your Fears
Whether you are fearful of intimacy or are afraid of leaving a loveless relationship because you are scared of being on your own or think that something better isn’t possible, it’s still important to eliminate your F.E.A.R., which means False Evidence Appearing Real. For example, if you leave a relationship because it’s not moving in the direction of where you perceive your life as going, start to dissolve any associated fear into exploring unknown, unchartered territories and be open to meeting someone else who potentially wants to be on the same page as you. What might have worked for you in one season of your life, doesn’t necessarily work in the next one. That’s because life is always changing. In saying that, we don’t like change, yet change is built into the system.
Avoid Arrested Development
My own life coach often talks to me about arrested development, which means preventing ourselves from fully growing. Since it’s important to allow ourselves to evolve, instead of arresting our development, let the development flow. If there is any resistance then there is something to learn and following your heart is important. Of course, this is easier said than done, especially since we get trapped in our own mind which has a habit of thinking one way, while the heart thinks another. That’s why it’s important to quieten your mind down with the likes of meditation and look to your intuitive heart to find out what’s really important to you at a particular time of your life.
Raise Your Love Vibration Level
Given we are all a work in progress, the more we work on ourselves, the more we love ourselves and the more we can love other people. Despite what some may think, it doesn’t work the other way around. By loving yourself unconditionally and wholeheartedly accepting yourself for who you are right now in this present moment, then you are more likely to meet your vibrational match. Ironically, it’s when you are not looking or seeking that you tend to meet someone who is your vibrational partner. Basically, you have set the goal of wanting to meet your dream partner, but then it’s also surrendering it back to the universe so that you allow it to supply the best partner for you.
Overall, self dating is a prognosis of our life and helps us to become more present. It enables us to see where our relationship is within ourselves and with others. Self-dating allows us to see if we are truly evolving.
Katherine Wei